Say My Name

“Ed” is okay as a name. It’s monosyllabically efficient, but pedestrian —“Hey! Ed. What’s cookin’?” Ed’s are pen pushers; they belong to the Kiwanis. They’re utility infielders, corporals, vice principals, claims adjusters, bi-law enforcers, aspiring carpet baggers, water cooler bards, would-be-if-they-could-be ladies men. “Ed” works: it just isn’t profound. On the mainland folks call me Ed.

“Edward” is altogether different. It’s my nom de plume, my badge in academic circles. If you meet me at a conference or a colloquium, call me Edward. True, it’s a stuffed shirt handle. But the gatherings themselves are stilted, so why shouldn’t the name be? An exception: I once had a girlfriend (it was a brief but torrid affair) who used to coo “Edward” whenever she wanted to make love; it worked like a charm. When the lights are low, Edward can be very sexy.

“Eddie” is my favourite, by light years. It’s Polish—the Michalik clan is chalk full of Eddies—and it’s diminutive. My grandfather, Jadek, called me Eddie. He also called me moishek, which means “little devil.” Eddie = little devil: that’s me. My parents call me “Little Eddie”—all my elders on the island call me Little Eddie. Cape Bretoners (master nicknamers) use “Big” and “Little” to distinguish rank in large, usually Catholic, families. My father, for instance, is Big Bernie and my older brother is Little Bernie, even though Da is 5’9” and brother Bern’ is 6’3.” Age and status matter in honour-based cultures like Cape Breton’s.

“Eddie” and “eddy” are homonyms and, in my case, synonyms. The dictionary defines “eddy” as a current of water or air moving against “the direction of the main current, especially in a circular motion.” Eddies also “run counter to or separate from a main current, as of opinion, tradition, or history.” In other words, eddies are rebels, iconoclasts, free thinkers, libertarians, avangardistes—natural-born shit disturbers. I stand accused and convicted on all counts. Eddie’s an eddy. I like to swirl against the tide.

Call me Eddie. My best friends do.